


It's a Feeling

by Kaillingme (Setty94)



Category: EXO (Band), K-pop
Genre: Cheating, Depression, Emotional, Infidelity, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-02
Updated: 2017-11-02
Packaged: 2019-01-28 05:12:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12598960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Setty94/pseuds/Kaillingme
Summary: In which Jongin is not okay and it's all Kyungsoo's fault.





	It's a Feeling

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: This is really emo. Like monumentally emo. It's also sad. And I'm sorry for always hurting Kaisoo.

It’s a feeling, Jongin thinks as he returns to their room and closes the door behind him. It’s a feeling that washes over him, coating him thickly and settling somewhere between his stomach and his throat. It’s heavy and writhing and Jongin can only sink to his feet against the door, biting his fist to keep silent.

He’s seen it, too. The way Kyungsoo always turns his phone over whenever he is around or how he slips outside to answer phone calls. Or the times he caught Kyungsoo smoking again, something he’s promised to quit for Jongin, but apparently never had. It’s just small things at first, but more and more Jongin sees it.

The way Kyungsoo has been treating him lately, blowing up over stupid stuff, like his friendships with other guys, or how a few weeks ago he accepted a ride home from Baekhyun, a new friend he had made in one of his classes, and Kyungsoo had exploded on him accusing him of cheating and Jongin had been so blindsided by those words that he had gaped at Kyungsoo, mouth opening and closing before the door was slammed firmly in his face and he was left to sit outside for the next few hours until he felt he had gathered his wits enough to enter their apartment.

It’s also in the way that Kyungsoo no longer touches him other than for sex and Jongin has been feeling like he is being used for release and not making love to his boyfriend since high school. There are no more shy glances between the two, no more banter back and forth. Just the same stale conversations about how their days were and what they wanted to eat and nothing else. No depth, no substance, just surfacy chats that led to nowhere and yet show Jongin everything.

He would catch Kyungsoo’s eyes glazing over as he spoke, as if he had tuned out and was lost in his head and Jongin would let his voice die in his throat and stare off into the distance and Kyungsoo would not even notice. Yeah, Jongin had seen the signs.

But now, as Jongin sits against the door, fighting back the sobs that threaten to break free from his throat, he feels it. His stomach turns and Jongin’s first thought is that he is going to be sick, but the act of moving is too much for him right now because if he moves he might just fall into a million pieces and stay that way.

And the only thing holding him together right now is the shred of hope that he misread the text or that it’s a joke and that it didn’t say  _ ‘Last night was fun, we should do that again ;) _ ’. And as the words flash before his eyes, Jongin starts shaking. It’s a tremendous vibration that originates in his hands and skulks through every muscle until he is shivering violently.

His lungs burn and Jongin inhales shakily, teeth still firmly planted in the skin of his hand but it's already too late because the tears have started to spill from his eyes and down his cheeks. He hiccups as quietly as he can and wipes his cheeks telling himself that it’s not true, that he imagined it and that Kyungsoo hadn’t left their bed last night, that he hadn’t been gone until morning when he slipped back under the sheets smelling of smoke and  _ someone else _ .

How did it even get this far? How did it get to the point where Jongin is trying to deny that it is happening to the point where he turns a blind eye to it. Where he convinces himself that Kyungsoo was just really busy and that he didn’t forget their anniversary or his birthday until Jongin had to remind him. Kyungsoo had always been bad with dates, Jongin had told himself. How had he not said something when he first noticed the Kyungsoo’s new mannerisms. Why hadn’t he asked then, who the new person that his boyfriend had been texting so frequently every day was.

From the other side of the door he hears Kyungsoo leave and the feeling clutches his stomach and wrenches it, bringing bile into Jongin’s throat. He swallows it down and unsteadily rises to his feet, letting them take him one step at a time to Kyungsoo’s desk in their room. He knows he shouldn’t snoop, but the feeling in his chest is squeezing him so hard that all he can think is that just taking a tiny peek will bring oxygen back into his lungs.

He won’t find anything, he tells himself as he moves the mouse bringing the monitor to life and Jongin collapses to the ground after only half a glimpse. Perhaps Kyungsoo wants to be caught, because he has left imessage open and Jongin can see  _ everything _ .

_ ‘Your ass looks so good send another pic babe’ _

_ ‘I want your dick so bad’ _

_ ‘I'm gonna be late i'm waiting for my friend to leave’ _

And Jongin stops reading them because the bile that had threatened him earlier is not backing down. He runs to the bathroom and grips the side of the toilet as he empties his stomach into the bowl. The only person he had ever loved had said all that. He’d called whoever it is, babe and another retch is pulled from Jongin and tumbles into the water. It takes him a few heaves before he can breathe again, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand as he flushes the mess of his dinner down the drain.

The shaking comes back and Jongin slumps against the bowl crying freely now because it hurts so much. His heart feels like it had been stepped on, crushed under spiked boots and then spat on. He cries softly still, afraid that Kyungsoo will come back and find him curled up in the bathroom looking nothing more than weak and maybe that is why Kyungsoo had strayed.

Surely, it had to be his fault that he lost Kyungsoo’s interest. It had to be something he’d done. Maybe it was the fact that he had been away from home more than usual because he decided to go back to school or maybe it is because Jongin just deserves this. He just deserves a sad life full of pain and hurt because that’s what life is like, right?

He doesn’t know how long it is before he can no longer cry anymore, because the tears just won’t come out anymore. But Jongin decides on a shower and once the hot water hits his skin he is back on his knees, sinking into the porcelain tub until his forehead is by the drain. He can hardly breathe again and his chest feels like it’s going to explode and Jongin just wants it all to stop, for the pain to go away, for his mind to be wiped clean because ignorance is bliss and bliss is better than the pain that is constricting his lungs.

He doesn’t care if Kyungsoo only beds him once or twice a month anymore, he doesn’t care that they don’t quite make eye contact anymore or that the days they both have off that they spend it in opposite sides of the apartment. No, none of that matters anymore because Jongin isn’t ready for things to be over. He isn’t ready to have to go out into the world of dating again and he doesn’t think he’ll ever be.

The water runs cold by the time Jongin reaches up and turns it off. He lays there shivering not just from the cold but from the adrenaline as well. He doesn’t move for a long time because what is the point if once he stands up all he sees is Kyungsoo all around him. In the furniture, in the paintings on the wall, in their bed and all he can picture now is what must have gone down when he left for the weekend trip with his parents that Kyungsoo had turned down and suddenly he can’t take it anymore and he sits up in the tub hugging his knees to his chest. He bites down on his knee to keep another violent sob from escaping but it comes anyway, unaccompanied by any tears. They’re all gone now, he’s cried every last drop out of him.

He wants to be mad, he wants to be so furious that when Kyungsoo walks through the doors he punches him but as he slowly pulls on a pair of sweats and stares at the screen of his phone all Jongin feels is heart wrenching pain. His hands tremble as he types in the words:  _ we need to talk _ and presses send and he receives a reply almost instantly from Kyungsoo saying he’ll be home in a second.

Jongin waits. He waits for what feels like days but in reality is actually a few hours and that makes him grow bitter because Kyungsoo can’t even come back home to him to try to fix things. It just shows him how little he means to him now, because once upon a time, if he had sent that same text, Kyungsoo would have been home in a second. He would have been walking through that door in less time than it took for Jongin to send it. But now? Now, Jongin waits.

It’s five hours after Kyungsoo texts him that Jongin hears the locks of the door clink and he looks up, face steely and resolve as strong as he can manage with the pieces he’s taped back together. The light switches on and when he and Kyungsoo make eye contact for the first time in what is probably months, the elder freezes in the doorframe.

Jongin doesn’t move. Not that he can because just the sight of Kyungsoo is making his eyes prickle and his stomach twist so hard that he thinks he might vomit again. They remain like this for a while until Kyungsoo toes off his shoes and slowly makes his way to the seat at the other end of the living room. His face is a mask that Jongin once was able to read so well… but now only looks like a stranger’s hidden by harsh shadows leaving every feature jagged and raw.

Jongin wets his lips and inhales shakily. He had been sitting here, rehearsing what he was going to say for hours, imagining the scenarios where he would hit Kyungsoo, or end up in his arms, accepting his apology, or the one scenario where he sat there, stony and unfeeling. It takes everything inside of him to say the words, but they only come out as a whisper. “Who is he?”

And Kyungsoo crumples in the chair, his wide eyes growing wider for a second before the blubbering starts and Jongin feels himself go ice cold. Scenario three it is. He listens as Kyungsoo tries to come up with every excuse in the book to deny that he is doing what he is doing but Jongin knows it’s all a lie. He had seen the messages.

“ _ Who is he? _ ” Jongin asks again, this time with some vitriol in his voice. He knows that if Kyungsoo actually comes close to him instead of sitting in that chair that his false pretense of strength will melt away into sobbing and tears, but for now he can keep it up as long as the distance is there.

“I’m sorry,” Kyungsoo says.

And Jongin almost believes him. He feels himself soften and it all falls apart in this moment because that tiny shred of hope within him just wanted to hear those words but when he sees Kyungsoo’s face light up at that, Jongin knows that it isn’t sincere. Tears spill from his eyes once more but he wipes them away and shakes his head. “Fuck you.”

Rising to his feet, he goes back to their room knowing Kyungsoo is going to follow him and stands next to his laptop and points at it and Kyungsoo breaks into shards before him, falling to his knees and crawling towards Jongin begging him to forgive him and to take him back but Jongin can’t. He just can’t. Because if Kyungsoo could sneak around so easily, then what they had wasn’t real. None of it is real.

  
  


It’s a feeling, Jongin thinks again, as he watches Kyungsoo put the last box in his car from the frame of the door. It’s a feeling that is thick and coats him like sludge, dulling every last bit of joy within him and turning it black. It strangles him, holding his breath hostage and abusing his pulse, forcing it to run on broken legs.

Perhaps this is how it is meant to be. High school sweethearts aren't meant to last forever anyway. He watches as Kyungsoo glances at his phone and grimaces and Jongin feels his heart die even more. He just can’t fathom that a heart could continue to break even after it had been shattered into thousands of pieces but here it is, breaking even more until it is nothing more than dust particles.

This feeling won’t go away. It continues to grow around him, pulling him deeper into the black pain that has become his everyday existence. As the door to Kyungsoo’s car closes, Jongin sinks to his butt in the doorway. Kyungsoo doesn’t even look back at him, he just drives off and Jongin feels his chest tighten and squeeze until he can no longer breathe.

This was it. This was the end. Kyungsoo had left, but all the memories still remain. Jongin crawls inside and shuts the door feebly, lying on the ground and screaming into the floor. All the pent up rage within him is released with his yells and once the last one fades from his lips, the hiccups of sobs return, choking Jongin’s air in his throat and rendering him useless.

All those years, all those times Kyungsoo had told him he loved him. Was any of it real? Or was he just the trial run, the person that Kyungsoo learned on and then cast aside as soon as the real game is in his grasp. Because that’s how Jongin feels right now. He feels like the tutorial, the one that people go through once and then never again.

  
  


It’s a feeling, Jongin thinks as he slides off his shoes at the door, noticing that his were the only pair there now. And Jongin sighs, flipping off the lights and going straight to the couch. He can’t sleep in the bedroom anymore. Too many memories, too many nightmares where they start out nice and Jongin thinks he had woken up from a bad dream only to catch Kyungsoo in the act again and again and again.

The sofa isn’t ideal, but if he leaves the television on he can drown out the sounds of his sniffles and pretend that he is just congested because of allergies and not because all he does these days is go to class and cry. His stomach growls and Jongin thinks distantly of the last time he ate and he honestly can’t remember when. It was maybe three days ago when he was able to hold down a single piece of toast without vomiting it back up and Jongin thinks he should try again.

The toilet stares back at him with disappointment and Jongin breaks down crying. He can’t even keep down a simple piece of bread. His stomach is too twisted, too tangled up in his emotions and he just can’t eat. He had thought it was weird when people said they ate after breakups when the very idea of food just makes bile rise in Jongin’s throat.

He returns to the sofa and turns the volume up. He doesn’t sleep much these days, but the droning of the newscaster’s voice eventually lulls him to sleep and the next thing he knows is that his alarm for school is ringing and simply wipes the sleep and dried tears from his eyes and slips his shoes on before leaving.

  
  


It’s a feeling Jongin knows very well by now. The heaviness has only made his shoulders stronger as he continues to ignore the pain settling on them. The tightness in his chest is still there, like an ever-present toddler sitting on his chest. He’s lost weight but he tells himself he’ll regain it once his stomach will accept more than rice and bread into his system.

He slides the key into the lock and only pauses when he hears the voice of his neighbor and turns around to find Baekhyun standing at the door across the stairwell from him, shuffling boxes and cursing under his breath. They had stopped talking after the night Jongin confronted Kyungsoo because he just couldn’t bring himself to socialize so now when they saw each other, it was just curt nods to each other.

Jongin removes his key and takes a deep breath before mumbling, “Hey, do you need help?”

And Baekhyun looks up at him shocked and then he frowns as he takes in Jongin’s appearance and Jongin wishes he cared but he doesn’t. Baekhyun sets the boxes down and shakes his head, “No, but you look like you do.”

Jongin shrugs and starts back to his door, unlocking it and pushing it open. He stops and looks over his shoulder at his new neighbor and for a split second, part of him wants to let Baekhyun help, but it’s gone the moment he turns around and sees only his shoes in the entry way. These days he prefers his solitude.

  
  


It’s a feeling that is still there, but everyone is used to Jongin’s new demeanor by now. He slips into class with his eyes cast to the ground, takes his notes dutifully and the slips back out when it’s over. He is a ghost now, no one makes eye contact with him and Jongin feels that it should be this way.

“Jongin!”

Jongin keeps moving, because all he needs to do is walk a few more blocks and then he is home. He pulls his hood up and shoves his earbuds in. He doesn’t play music now, he finds very little enjoyment in anything these days, but at least this way, he’s not appearing totally rude.

By the time he reaches his door he knows he has been followed, so when he sees a hand cover the hole of the lock, Jongin just sags inside. He pushes back the hood and sighs. He had been avoiding Baekhyun for weeks now, but his neighbor has been determined to catch him.

“What?”

“I have a coupon for buy one get one smoothies, wanna come get one with me?” Baekhyun looks so hopeful it almost pains Jongin but he is already so numb that all that registers is the dull notion that he should feel bad if he turns him down, so he agrees.

  
  


It’s a feeling that is fading and Jongin wakes up for the first time in months, not crying or wiping away dried tears. He lays there staring at the ceiling, watching the blades of the fan lazily turn before he hears movement on the loveseat across the room.

He sees Baekhyun is still sleeping, tangled up in the blankets and only the mop of his hair visible and Jongin stares at him. He isn’t sure how one smoothie had turned into a weekly thing which turned into a couple of times a week thing which turned into a ‘stay-the-night-and-watch-trashy-novellas’ but for the first time in a long time he is okay with that.

The feeling still lurks, waiting for any opportunity to wake up from it’s near dormant state and Jongin is okay with that as well. Each day is a learning process, and each day slowly gets better. He isn’t healed, not by a longshot, but that’s okay with him too. He’ll get there.

**Author's Note:**

> I was having some PTSD about an event in my life and wrote this. The ending is ambiguous because real life isn't always tied up neatly with bows. It's painfully self-insert and was a therapy fic, so I'm not sorry for that, but nonetheless I hope you got the angst you signed up for! As always, please hit that kudos button and comment, even sad fics deserve some love~


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